Minutes. I was a fucking emotional mess, which isn’t normal, I very VERY rarely cry around others, especially strangers, just because I usually can’t. I’m 15 years, I think maybe 5 people have seen me cry, and all but one was an immediate blood relative. Fuck I hadn’t cried so hard since my Ammie died. I was blubbering and shaking and sobbing uncontrollably just whispering in my sweet Ellis Boy’s ear that it was okay, you’re a good boy Ellis I love you so much it’s all gonna be okay I got you buddy I’m right here I love you so much Ellis boy you’re such a good boy buddy it’s all gonna be okay I love you buddy I’m so fucking sorry I’m so fucking sorry Ellis boy fuck I love you so much so fucking much I’m sorry buddy I’m so so fucking sorry. After the vet told us the news and gave us a moment to make this impossible decision, my mom told me that since he’s my dog, she’d let me decide, but I just stood there silent, hugging my dog while shaking and staring off blankly as tears poured down my face, silent. She presented me with the options, either put him to sleep today, or put him thru a series of unpleasant, stressful and traumatizing tests, where the best possible outcome would be learning he has cancer or kidney failure, and eventually through my silence she suggested “or if this is a decision you’re not capable of making” and I burst out sobbing before she could finish her thought blubbering “I can’t do it I can’t do it I’m not strong enough to make that choice oh god mom I love him so much he’s my boy I can’t do this I can’t” and sobbed on her shoulder in utter despair.
So, after the vet—a close friend of the family—and her assistants had everything set up they offered a suggestion “if you like you can lay him down on this table here” but I just shook my head no fucking way and said “I’m not letting go of him. There’s no fucking way I’m letting go of my dog his last moments alive will be spent in my lap with my arms wrapped around him, hearing my voice as we cuddled up together for the last time. I was at the vet for an hour or so and I spent the entire time ugly crying and sobbing uncontrollably and those final moments with my boy as the drugs took effect and I felt his spirit leave his body… if felt like getting stabbed with a blade made of salt or something like my lungs had collapsed together and my heart imploded I held him a little while longer as I cried harder than I can remember crying before and wailed as I embraced my good boy’s now lifeless body. I laid him down on a table, put my forehead against him for a few seconds, and gave him one last big fat kiss on his forehead, telling him several times that I loved him so much that he was a good boy and I’ll always love him. After a minute I walked out the waiting room quickly because I still couldn’t stop sobbing for even a split-second I just plowed thru the thankfully mostly empty lobby out to the car where I leaned against the back side collapsing against it as I struggled to pull out a cigarette and struggled even harder to light it. Then just sat there, taking long, deep drags off my Newport as I sat in the fetal position sobbing while facing a very busy street just sobbing and muttering to myself. My mom finished up inside then came out to find me, she didn’t care that I was smoking even tho it’s always been a point of contention but she didn’t even seem to notice, she just wrapped her arms around me, rested my head on her shoulder as I sobbed uncontrollably muttering semi-incoherent phrases about my boy my boy oh god I miss him I can’t I can’t oh god Ellis he was the best. She patted my back and hugged me and when I stopped to catch my breath a second she tearfully made sure to tell me “he was the best, he was such a love, always trying to keep us all safe, he loved us so much… but boy did he love you more than anyone or anything. Boy did he love you. Since day one, he just adored you and always wanted to be with you and would always get sad and mopey when you weren’t around. He made it absolutely clear, you were HIS boy, and he was YOUR dog. God he loved you. God I’m gonna miss him” she finished as her voice broke and she joined me in a few tears.
When I got home, it was about 30 minutes until I had to be at work. I just dragged my feet into my room, and fell onto my bed where I curled up and sobbed. I managed to text my friend/boss Shaan that my dog had just died in my arms not 20 minutes ago and that I wasn’t capable of doing anything but lying here sobbing uncontrollably, so there was no chance I could work. To his credit he was more than understanding, he didn’t care about the short notice or anything he just sympathized and did he best to help. I really appreciated that.
Losing my boy, my sweet, silly, not all that smart Little Shit, aka L.S., or Ellis, god that shit changed me on a level I still can’t fully comprehend. I’m no longer the person I was 2 months ago, and the hardest thing aside from missing my pup every moment of every day remaining in this god forsaken existence is trying to figure out who I am without my boy, who is this person I’ve been changed into. Nothing seems to matter or interest me anymore. Nothing matters. I’m just going thru the motions. Mindlessly stumbling through work and social situations and whatever. I really don’t know what to do without my boy. I don’t want to live anymore. He was my best friend, no just no bullshit no exaggeration he was the only friend I truly felt I could count on, the only one who always had my back and wanted what was best for me. The only friend still by my side after a decade and a half. Oh god I fucking more my boy I can’t believe he’s gone and I’m still stuck on this god forsaken rock god I shoulda had the vet give me the same drug cocktail she gave him. It was morphine Valium and scopolamine plus some toxic shit and fuck what better way to go out than to be with my Ellis boy as we got shot up with fuckin Morphine and Valium and got to drift off together into that eternal sleep. Fuck I miss my boy every fuckin moment of every fuckin day I’m such a fucking wreck, there’s no putting me back together. I don’t want another dog. I love dogs but I don’t want one anymore. They’re never gonna be up to par with Ellis, the best dog who ever lived. And I just hate living without him and I’m fucking ready to die. This pain doesn’t go away or fade and without my boy nothing will ever be okay or make me truly happy ever again. So I guess I just have to accept it and settle in for what will hopefully be a very brief life of anhedonia and wake up every morning praying that somebody or something does me the kindness of ending my misery with, for example, a single .45 round, or a blunt object across the back of my skull, or some inconceivable 1-in-a-billion cause of death. Fuck I miss that dog. Every moment of every of every damn day, every breath of air in inhale just fills me with with more and more hatred for the world and resentment that I was made to spend even a single day without my baby boy.
